My Freshman year of college I stepped on the scale and saw a number I never thought I would see. I was disappointed in myself and I decided that I was going to stop gaining weight.
I vowed to never see that number on the scale again.
For as long as I could remember, I had steadily put on ten pounds a year. I was overweight, tired, and unhappy. I started to think about what I was eating instead of hitting the french fries and ice cream at every meal. I went to the gym and took fitness classes and really enjoyed being active. By the end of the school year, I had lost 40 pounds. I felt alive.
Fast forward 7 years, and I was pregnant with our first.
I knew I would gain weight with pregnancy but I didn’t realize how hard it would be for me to see the number slowly creep back to that number that haunted me. I weighed myself every. single. day. I obsessed over the numbers. And then it happened. That number flashed again on the screen of the scale again and I felt an overwhelming sense of grief and guilt.
How did I let this happen again? Will I ever be able to lose it? I cried. I felt like a failure even though I was in fact, growing a human and this was perfectly normal and expected. I still felt frustrated. I gave birth to my son and managed to lose the weight. Two years later, I was pregnant with our second. I knew that I needed to not weigh myself at all this time around so I couldn’t drive myself crazy. This number was putting way too much pressure on me when I didn’t need it. I knew that it was only a number and I couldn’t let it rule my life.
My second pregnancy I gained even more weight and saw an even higher number as I stepped on the scale at the doctor’s office. It wasn’t as hard of a blow. I stopped obsessing with a number and let my body grow the baby just as it was supposed to. After my second son was born, I struggled hard with losing weight. Exercise was harder to make happen with two kids at home with me all day. Exhaustion kept me from putting much motivation into it and then bam, number three was on the way before I could lose those last ten pounds.
I’ve started to realize that it doesn’t really matter. Gaining weight during pregnancy can be a hard no matter the circumstance.
It can be difficult to see our bodies change and grow.
After previously losing weight, it can be even harder. My body will never be the same as it was before I had children and I’ve come to see that it’s actually pretty awesome! It’s given birth to two beautiful boys and is currently nurturing our third. Seeing that number you told yourself you would never see again is rough. It can be defeating. But remember that it is only a number.
