Second-Guessing Who I Am as a Parent

Some days, I sit and ruminate on my parenting choices. My therapist said the word “ruminate” comes from the root of the word “red,” meaning energy. I try to exercise to move that restless energy out of my mind. Lately, only after I have been working out for a while, seemingly running toward something (or away from my worries, I suppose), do I finally exhaust myself and stop the constant hamster wheel going through my brain.

If I don’t exercise off that negative energy from anxiety, it goes inward and makes me depressed.

Lately, I have talked more with friends about the things I think about and that helps. I told my therapist that I chose friends who generally agreed with my parenting style so I’d be supported as I bounced ideas off of them. She said that is my real Mom Tribe and I should be surrounding myself with people who support what I’m doing.

Some well-meaning people (not necessarily in my Mom Tribe) lately told me to discipline my kids more. What does that mean, “discipline?” I know the old-school parenting would spank or use shame/blame/threats of some kind, which instinctively I feel doesn’t work. If I can trust myself and believe in my own inner voice, I know it won’t lead me astray.

I think “discipline” should be more about teaching and guiding. I know my children need more connection and not have someone shake a finger at them. They need a place to land when they aren’t sure what is happening next in their lives. They have the same breadth of feelings that I do. Whatever I need is what they will also benefit from. I know during this time in my life, I wish I had someone to cuddle and tell me they will always be there for me. I’d be more likely to listen to someone I trust.

Nowadays, I try to give myself grace, realizing that some days of parenting are just hard.

Everyone is crying for no reason (including me). Some days seem better for no apparent reason. I think my children will remember how they felt about how I handled the situations, not necessarily about the individual situations. I hope they realize how I tailored my parenting to their needs and wants, not just what works for “other people’s kids.”

I think about how I have a close relationship with my parents even though they weren’t perfect (nobody is!). I love them just for being present for me, even if I didn’t always agree with everything they did. I hope my kids will have the same feeling and appreciate how I set a high standard for myself in parenting. Like all people who have anxiety, I second guess myself mainly because my standards are unattainable but I still try to reach them. I hope in 2023, I can trust myself more and relax in my parenting style.

I am what my children need today and it is going to be enough for them.