If you catch a glimpse of any ad promoting the popular NBC drama This Is Us, then you’re bound to see images of a beautiful, happy family. Their arms are wrapped around each other, their heads may be thrown back in laughter, and they seem to be blissfully engulfed in love. Watch a full episode though, and the depths, complexities, and difficulties of typical familial relationships unfold.
Maybe that’s why so many people love this show – it’s completely relatable. How often do we promote this “we have it all together” image of our family, when a deeper look actually reveals that we all struggle in some way with the delicate intricacies of family life?
A few months ago I was sitting on the couch watching TV – our kids were in bed and my husband was seated on the love seat idly scrolling through his phone. This night wasn’t unlike any other night in our home, but it was so enormously different from our lives just a few short years ago. I couldn’t help but think to myself, “This Isn’t Us.”
When we first started dating, my husband and I lived in separate states. Any time we had the chance to visit each other, we instantly became inseparable – like the hand-in-hand, staring googly-eyed at each other, always by each other’s side, makes everyone else sick kind of inseparable. Even after we got married, we always shared the couch as we watched TV at the end of a long day, and we certainly didn’t ignore each other for the sake of scrolling through our phones (I’m just as guilty as he is).
So what changed? How did we move from a place of loving affection to a place of palpable distance? Well, it certainly didn’t happen overnight, and sure, I know that having kids has thrown a little bit of a wrench into our romantic life, but I think the root of the problem is that we stopped genuinely pursuing each other. We stopped prioritizing our relationship and being US. We put on the roles of mom and dad, work and responsibility, and left little room at the end of the day to just be US.
The day I made the realization that something needed to change was a bit humbling. It’s not that we weren’t in love anymore, but I realized that something had shifted and we were in need of a realignment. Fortunately for us, our church had just begun a new ministry called Re|Engage – a ministry focused on creating a space and an environment in which couples can dig deeper together to work on themselves for the betterment of their marriage as a whole.
In life, when something seems “off” with our health we make an appointment and visit our doctor, but how often do any of us schedule a check-up for our relationships? Personally, we had never done that before. While we still are and always will be a work in progress, prioritizing our relationship and taking some time out of our day to actually talk to each other has certainly helped. I want to be US again. I want to feel those butterflies again when my husband walks in from work, instead of just feeling relief that another adult has entered the building.
Life is hard. Being a parent is hard. Relationships are hard. We should never feel ashamed or hesitant to seek help in restoring the health of our relationships. If you ever feel like “This Isn’t Us” then I encourage you to start a conversation with your partner about how you can begin to seek and find each other again. Whether that means being more intentional about date nights, putting away your phones to spend time together after the kids go to bed, or seeking counsel from others, just do it. You won’t regret it!
So many wonderful thing in this post! Absolutely love it, Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you so much, Cheryl!
Read this again because it is just so good! In the season of life with littles, it is downright hard to prioritize a marriage. I so often feel like I’m a good mom but just an average wife. Thank you for the reminder to get back to the “us” we were before babies!
Thanks so much, Mallory! I feel the exact same way sometimes. At the end of a long day sometimes all I want is just some “me time,” which is fine, but I need to remember how important it is to connect with my husband too… I did marry him all those years ago for a reason and I *do* still like him. 😉
So, so, so relatable! It’s so strange how one day we wake up (or look wonder) and wonder HOW. My husband and I just did a fun little 20 day marriage challenge and while it wasn’t hard or even “life-changing”, it was really fun to just reconnect again and have some shared goals!
Thanks so much, Suzanne! Being intentional like that is so important, but so hard for all of us! Your 20 day challenge sounds like fun! I need to look into something like that too 😉
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