An Onomatopoetic Poem About Vacuuming My “Mom Car”


I drove by a carwash that advertised,

“Free vacuum with a wash.”

I thought, “Those suckers won’t know what hit them!”

This was the one drive I had when I didn’t have the kids in the car.

“Got to take advantage of that,” I thought. “The closest thing to a vacation I’ll have this year for sure.”

I went through the car wash, having forgotten how to go through one because it has been a while.

Luckily I didn’t run anything (or anyone) over.


Coming out, I pulled up to the vacuum and said a prayer. “Oh, Patron Saint of Vacuums, pray for us.” There’s a saint for everything so probably one of them operated a vacuum (Google seems to have a few listed for that chore).

“SQUEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” went the first vacuum, sucking up the “indoor rocks” from the bottom of the car floor.

CRUNCH-CRUNCH-CRUNCH-CRUNCH-crunch-crunch-crunch-crunch as about two years of Goldfish crackers and off-brand Aldi turtle crackers (you know what I’m talking about!) went through the hose.

Like porcelain dolls going through a trash compactor.

SLRRRRRRRR-EEEEEEP–PLUH-PLUH-PLUH went the bag of fruit snacks that somehow got through the small opening in the vacuum head.

Like my son when he was drinking a smoothie and it went down the wrong tube.

EEEEEE–EEEEE-VReeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE when the melted fruit snack got stuck on the floor, but it wasn’t sticky enough not to go into the vacuum.

Like a dying rabbit who died choking on a ham sandwich.

I internally said a eulogy for the little toys and parts of toys that fell casualty to the great sucking force.

I thought this must be what Bluey’s family experiences when they go through the car wash.

I let out my repressed rage on some of the weird random snacks that I knew had been there for a long time. Very Shakespearean, “Out, damn Cheez-It!”

Though I knew I had kids’ clothes in the trunk, I went ahead and tried to clean out the floor of the trunk. SLUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEP!

Half of a rain jacket got stuck in the vacuum. In a great tug of war, I rescued it. A satisfying burning smell came out of the vacuum. I didn’t see any fire so I figured it was ok.

Sounded like when I ate a fruit roll-up really fast in the 90s. Man, those were yummy.

The bag I had for trash seemed to fill up on its own. I had an existential crisis about straight-up tossing some things because I was tired of keeping them in the car.

“Do we really need Bun Bun? Will they notice if that’s gone?” Disappointed, I kept Bun Bun. And Baby T-Rex. And Serafina Skaterina (skating Barbie). And the blue rubber chicken.

After pulling Sammy the Snake’s tail out of the vacuum, I felt the floor was as clean as I’d seen it in a long time.

Immediately when the kids got back in the car, they noticed I cleaned it out. “Wow, Mommy, this looks so clean!”

“Mommy, he’s throwing his snacks at me!”

“She’s throwing her snacks at me!”

“You kids are cleaning out my car next time!”