We hear about “mom tribes” and play dates, “momming so hard” and long sleepless nights, piles of poopy laundry and “Mamma Bear” spirit.
But the part of motherhood that no one prepared me for, that no one seems to talk about, is the loneliness that can so often come with that sweet new baby.
I was nursing. He was so helpful, but there wasn’t anything my husband could do at 4 in the morning. So it was just me and our new baby. She’s sweet and perfect, but not the most lively, engaging company. Loneliness crept in while I was sitting there in the dark, mindlessly scrolling through my Instagram feed.
Loneliness was there on the weekends when he would go golfing (his much-needed escape from the long week of work), and I stayed home alone with her. We’d occasionally venture out on errands, but all new mamas know how hard it is to coordinate feeding and nap schedules with Target runs. I would spend the day with no adult interaction, no one to talk to or to enjoy having in the same room as me. Of course, I loved the snuggles, smiles, and giggles, but I found myself feeling isolated. Alone. Not myself. Lonely.
We have no family in the area. No friends with kids around us who would just get it. No one who would pop over “just to visit”. Friends would go on hanging out without me, go on with their lives like normal as if nothing had changed. Hello! Can’t they see how different life is? How hard this whole mom thing is? How lonely am I?
Of course not.
Because I didn’t tell them about the loneliness. Not even my husband. I didn’t reach out to anyone and just ask, “Hey, can you stop by and just hang out for an hour?” Or “Do you think you can help me run to Target?” Or “Do you think you could skip golf today and just keep me company?”
Instead, I wallowed in my partially-self inflicted isolation. I won’t put all the blame on myself – becoming a mother brings a whole slew of changes and emotions and challenges, and we need to give ourselves some grace. But looking back, had I simply told anyone what I was experiencing, I wouldn’t have had to feel so alone for so long.
Becoming a mom changes you. You don’t feel like the same person you were a few months ago. You may not recognize the face or body you see in the mirror. You may not feel like you can contribute to girls’ night conversations like you used to. You may find yourself sitting in a group full of your very closest, dearest friends, wondering when you’ll feel like yourself again, when you’ll feel like you have anything in common with your friends again, wondering if the oppressing loneliness you feel will ever go away.
It will. You may never feel like your old self again, but, instead (and even better), you’ll find confidence and comfort in your “new” self. The loneliness will go away, but you can expedite it by talking to someone. Your mom, your best friend, your partner. Don’t wallow. Don’t make the loneliness worse by isolating yourself. Even if they don’t totally understand, I promise they love you and will help. So often we think we need to struggle alone, be strong and just make it through.
If I can just get through this part, it will get better on its own.”
That’s a dangerous lie that society and, quite honestly, we tell ourselves. Transitioning into a mama is hard enough as it is. It’s even harder when you feel like you’re doing it all alone. Don’t do that. Be open. Share what you’re feeling and going through. You’ll be overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from your support system.
