My Dear Sweet Baby,
I am so sorry. My heart is heavy, and my mind is just racing. I feel such weighted guilt. Your father and I tried for years, prayed for days on end to have a chance to be parents. I cried out in the shower, one of my most sincere pleas, that I would have the opportunity to love my very own child. How selfish of me.
For when I turn on the news, engage in social media, or even overhear a conversation my heart breaks. Sometimes it breaks in small aching cracks and other times, I feel like my whole body may collapse and weep. What world did I bring you into? The chaos, the hate, the anger, the fear…I am so sorry.
I wish my shoulders could carry you all. I wish my heart could bruise and break so that you might never have to feel defeated, cast out, misunderstood, or unwanted. I wish I could break every computer, every television set, every piece of technology so that you couldn’t see the hurt our world is going through. Nevertheless, it would be for nothing. For you do not need a computer to see the hate. It is an all-consuming monster that we can see anywhere.
You once asked me “Mom, what does a bad guy look like?” You were four. You wanted to be ready, prepared to run away. I wish so badly I could have said: “Never worry about that, I will be with you always.” But that just isn’t reality, is it? I wish I could have given you a description like something you would have seen on a cartoon with a villain who had black and white stripes and a mask. How I wish with every cell in me, I could make life more simple. I wish I could wrap you in bubble wrap and keep you for myself, but I know it is impossible.
So what are we to do now, my loves? The world is a scary place, with people we don’t know, and places we don’t know, in situations I can’t begin to imagine now. I wish I had all the right words, and all the knowledge and grace to say it eloquently. But I will choose to leave you with this…
Do as much good as you can, where you can, while you can.
If someone breaks your heart, absorb the hurt, and turn it into something positive. You are making the world a better place by smiling, do it as much as possible. Try not to worry, it only robs you of your happiness today and does nothing to solve the problems of tomorrow.
My love for you outshines the darkness of this world, and that, my sweet baby, is why we had you. Love surpasses hate, every day. It is stronger. When it’s raining, outside or in your mind, look for the sunshine. Look for the good people, the optimists, the lovers, the people who inspire you. Speak goodness, if you see good speak it. If you see something beautiful let it be known. Just. Spread. Kindness. Be good.
Love, Mama.
