The Pursuit of Happiness: Marriage

“No one said we were going to be happy. They just said we made a commitment.”

My friend spoke these words to me about her marriage and my heart sank. She and her husband were miserable. She asked me, “What do you do that works? How do you guys still LIKE each other after so long?” First off, we don’t like each other ALL the time. That would be insane. There are sometimes we have to take five and walk away from a conversation. But what keeps us coming back after eleven years? I like to call that “The Pursuit of Happiness: Our Marriage.” I actually called upon the hubby to help me come up with a few ways we work together to keep our marriage thriving. Below you will find our top six tips to stay invested in this thing called marriage! 

1. Never Stop Dating

I hear this all the time and there is a huge, fat nugget of truth to this! KEEP. REINVESTING. IN. EACH. OTHER. Years will take a toll on a marriage! People change, every single day. But you made a vow to keep getting to know your spouse over and over again. This doesn’t have to be a night out, and you shouldn’t limit it to that! Remember that one on one time that was so enjoyable in the early years of marriage? Get back to that! Even if it is found hiding under the covers on Saturday night with take-out after putting the kids to bed. Just make the time.

2. Out-Love-Each Other

One of the best quotes I ever received on our wedding day: “Always try and out love each other.” How can you argue with that? The Mr. and I try to always be consciously aware of our actions, words, and motives when it comes to our relationship. I honestly try every day to find at least one single way to make his day better. He does the same with me. I am telling you, if you both start with this daily good intention, it will become a habit.

3. Talk. Chat. Converse.

This one can get past me sometimes. Which sounds ridiculous, I know. But nowadays people can so easily zone out on their phones, it is easy to forget that there are other people in the room, or across the table from you. Look up at each other. There is scientific evidence that shows eye contact will make conversation much more memorable and meaningful. Pay attention to each other! And remember love notes? Those still mean something! Texts too! Even writing a note on a coffee cup or mirror in the bathroom count!

4. Let’s Get Physical.

Before you break out the sweatbands and spandex of the 80’s, please realize I AM talking about your spouse. Not just the “horizontal act of love” either. Kiss, hug, hold hands, dance in the hallway, play tag… anything to establish that you are teammates. My daughter once told my mother in law that I like to smack my husbands tushy. It’s not a lie. It’s like a “good game” tap in the middle of the bedtime madness. We have four kids yall..you get it in when ya can! (By the way, the Mister says “the horizontal act of love” should account for its own paragraph…its important 😉 )

5. Marriage is A Potato Sack Race: We Are In It Together

When there is a problem, it is us versus the problem. Identify the issue without attacking the character of your spouse. Also, address the issue ASAP. I don’t know about you, but if I am upset about something, the additional two weeks spent stewing on it does nothing to solve the problem. It only makes me more bitter and angry until I explode on him at a completely ridiculous time. For example, I ask him if he likes my hair and he hesitates, so I start crying because two weeks ago he made a comment about my spaghetti noodles being soggy. It would be easy for him to get mixed signals, right? He speaks fluent “Emma-jargin” but it has taken years y’all. I try and break it down a bit for him these days.

6. T-E-A-M Go TEAM Go!

One other major point regarding conflict: marriage is between TWO people. Not one, not three, not ten. If you have an issue within your marriage keep it between the two of you, not your parents, best friends, siblings, the grocery store cashier etcetera. My dad told me after the Mr. and I got engaged, “You are always welcome to come home to visit, but you are making this choice. It’s for life, and if you have problems, work it out together. It will only make your relationship stronger to conquer them together.” Unless there is physical or mental abuse going on, in which case you should definitely seek help.

We are all in the “pursuit of happiness” in this thing called life right? Life should be fun, exciting, full of opportunities, joy and love. May this little list help you somehow find happiness, whether it’s in marriage, relationships, or just the five minutes spent reading it! If all else fails, you can use the term “horizontal act of love” in a sentence and maybe have a chuckle.