Stop With The Husband-Bashing

Ladies, stop talking trash about your spouses. Please. 

“But I need to vent. I need an outlet! If I bottle it up, I’ll explode on him or the kids or some innocent bystander making my non-fat sugar-free hazelnut iced latte.”

Sure. You’re absolutely right. And please don’t lash out on the person feeding your caffeine habit. But there is a difference between having a conflict with your partner and seeking advice from your best friend, a difference between talking to your sister to help sort through your thoughts before talking to your partner, and the spouse-bashing that is so. freaking. prevalent. on Facebook or Instagram stories or at work before your first cup of coffee or on girls’ night after the second glass of wine. I see it, I read it, I hear it. And I cringe. 

Ladies, we’re better than that. You need to be your spouse’s biggest advocate. You need to be showing him or her in their best light. You need to be celebrating their best qualities. 

Why? Girl, buckle up. I’ve got a list. 

1. You and your words create your friends’ impression of your partner. You, of course, see his best qualities along with the fact that he left his dirty lawn-mowing shoes on the freshly mopped floor. But if you’re only telling your friends the horrible, awful things your husband does, they’re going to view him exactly how you describe him. Chances are, you actually LIKE him, and he isn’t some horrible, selfish prick. But if you’re constantly telling people he is, then obviously they’re going to think he is. 
2. Which circles back to you. Who you choose as a partner says a lot about you as a person, wife, and mom. So by trashing him, you’re saying, “Look at this decision I made. Look at this horrible person I CHOSE as my partner, supporter, and co-parent. I probably make a lot of bad choices.” But if you’re positive and respectful in the words you choose, you’re instead saying, “Look at this decision I made. Look at this amazing person I CHOSE as my partner, supporter, co-parent. I probably make a lot of good choices.”
3. I’m 100% sure that you wouldn’t want your partner complaining about you to his friends. So why would you think he’d be okay with you doing the same? When I start complaining about Michael to my ladyfriends, I force myself to stop and think. “Wait. What If I overhead him saying this about me?” I’d be hurt. In fact, I’d probably be devastated. We all want others to see our very best version of ourselves. It’s human nature. Well, guess what? That’s a two-way street. Your partner feels the same way, and as his PARTNER (read: best friend, supporter, chosen battle-buddy), you should want others to see his best attributes.
4. Probably the most interesting thing I’ve noticed is that it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I say positive things about Michael, the more I’m forcing my brain to see and remember all of his best qualities (after all, I did choose him for a reason!). By only speaking positively about him, I remind myself of his wonderful, endearing qualities, and the happier our relationship is. I appreciate him more. I’m nicer to him. Then he’s nicer to me. He appreciates me more. Everyone’s happier. Yay! 
5. The last reason, and the simplest but also the biggest reason: Your marriage is your marriage. Period. Don’t bring others into it.

I’m not perfect. I can confidently say that I don’t post negative things about Michael on social media, but I do find myself being exasperated by him sometimes (he’s not perfect, either) and venting about him. I do my best every day to avoid it, but I slip up. I at least try to choose my adjectives very carefully. I can talk to my friends about my frustrations without calling him a jerk or lazy or selfish. I make a conscious effort to pay attentive to the words I use. And I challenge you to do the same. 

**This topic was inspired by the very best wedding advice I received from my dear friend, Nichole. She said she attempts to never say anything negative about her husband to others. And to be honest, I can’t think of a time she has. I’ve seen them have their normal husband-wife disagreements, but they have one of the healthiest marriages I’ve ever seen. As a result, I have such a positive opinion of both her and her husband, because she unknowingly (or maybe knowingly) reinforces his best qualities whenever she talks about him. It’s what I strive for in my own marriage. **