They Just Don’t Know HOW

The other day as I sat down at the table to go about a certain task that needed to be done, my children came up to me. One needed water. One needed help getting the zipper undone on her play backpack. One wanted to be held. Then one needed to go potty. Then one wanted a snack. Then one asked why she couldn’t jump onto the fridge. Then I had to peel two off each other. Actually, I had to do that several times over the course of 10 minutes. Some of you know the exact 10 minute scenario I’m talking about. And if you don’t… maybe you have already perfected what I’m about to talk about. 

I will admit, I get exasperated when this happens to me. I just need to accomplish one seemingly easy task, and it seems that the interruptions pile up until I’m struggling to grasp onto my patience and my sanity. I am often found saying “Please just go play in your room” or “Go outside and ride your bike and play” or “Just swing on the swings.” 

Then a few weeks ago, it hit me… hard. 

My kids don’t always know HOW to do these things. 

Telling them to just go play is like telling me to go change the oil in my car. Sure, I know that the oil needs to be changed, I know that some people are really good at it, I know that it’s done all the time, and I know that it can involve climbing under the car and also opening the hood. But if you told me to change the oil in my car, I would be overwhelmed by the sheer overwhelmingness of not knowing HOW to do it. 

It’s the same with my kids. 

“Go play” to them does not evoke the same thoughts and feelings that I am trying to communicate. I am thinking they will wander into their room and pick up the Calico Critter set and begin to play pretend. They will use their blocks to build a house and will even involve their Magna-Tiles to build a garage for the cars that little brother is driving. Of course, they will argue and fight some here and there, but mostly they will become so involved in the creative process that I will easily be able to work through my stack of bills or complete that blog post for submission. However, for my children, they don’t necessarily know HOW to do this. They don’t know how to combine some of their toys together because no one has ever showed them. 

When I tell them to “go outside,” I am imagining them riding their bikes for a bit, before stumbling upon a couple of sticks that they decided to pick up and fabricate into an imaginary horse. They run and chase and play all afternoon, and as soon as I finish my work I get to join them. This is usually not the reality… and usually, it’s because I haven’t shown them HOW to do any of those things. 

“Go swing” sounds very boring to them because they don’t know how to pump their legs and move the swing. And why, oh why, would they sit on the swing by themselves, when instead they can be close to Mommy asking all of life’s very important questions?

How is it that we can teach our children HOW to play and work on their own without constant intervention and direction from us as Moms and Dads? 

First, we need to create an atmosphere of doing things WITH our children. We need to get down on their level sometimes and play with their toys. Play pretend. Build a house out of blocks. Read a story without words. Make a circle of flowers in the gross. 

Then, we need to learn how to step out and let them do it. Encourage their creativity by having open-ended toys around the house (i.e. toys that can be used for more than one thing – blocks, dress up clothes, etc). Make up a story about a couple of kids pretending to drive to the Grand Canyon, and then tell them to make up their own story! 

We need to remind ourselves that what seems simple enough to us is really rocket science for them. Swinging on the swing, playing with toys or even just learning how to do summersaults in the yard are all skills that we remember easily mastering as children, but in reality, it took a lot of hard work and practice! We need to be patient and encouraging to our children in teaching them how to do something – sometimes over and over again until they get it! 

We also need to be more specific in our directions. Instead of “Go play,” I could instead say “Go play in your room with your My Little Ponies.” Instead of saying “Go outside,” I could say “Go outside and find me something red, something yellow and something green.” 

It’s not foolproof, and our children will always need us to show them how to do things, but it’s the beauty of parenthood that we get to be the ones who teach them HOW to do it.