I had my babies. I cried the happy tears as I held them to my chest for the first time. I cried the “what the heck am I doing” tears when we made our way home to navigate the unknown and I was lost. I cried tears of laughter when my husband put the diaper on backwards for the first time. What I wasn’t prepared for, were the tears of dread, fear, loneliness, emptiness, anger, and unsurmountable anxiety. I finally sought help one afternoon, after sitting on my white linen bedspread, trying to determine if I could work a gun.
I finally confessed to my husband that evening. I told him that I had actually thought to line the bathroom with shower curtains so the mess would be contained. I didn’t want anyone to have to clean up after me. I acted so calmly, but inside I was screaming “I want to survive this! I want to live! Help me!!” I actually said out loud, “I won’t survive this without help.” My husband pushed me to seek help, and I am here to tell about it, thank God.
I always told people I had “the baby blues.” But truth be told y’all, I didn’t have the baby blues. I had thick, deafening, life-sucking depression and it came at the happiest moment of my life. I wish I could reach back in time, shake my former self and say, “It’s going to be okay, but TELL SOMEONE. CALL SOMEONE. The sooner the better!” But I can’t. What I can do, is be a proactive voice of reason to current and future mamas.
If you are reading this, and have a friend, a colleague, a neighbor or relative who has recently had a baby, please check on them. Try to push past the comfortable conversation, and really check on THEM. I was blessed with covered dishes and balloons, but I needed a hug, a shower, and a real conversation about depression.
I needed someone to say “You are more than a mom. You are a human being with thoughts, emotions and your life is in a tailspin. This is temporary. It’s normal to feel messy and unhinged. Tell me what you’re thinking while I hold the baby.”
If you are reading this and you are the one suffering. Girlfriend, let me tell you, you are NOT alone. You are in a huge vast ocean full of other women trying to stay afloat on a life raft where no one may see you flailing. People care, they love you beyond measure, but they have no idea you have gone overboard unless you have the strength to scream. Let it be known where you are! Your support system cannot support you if they don’t know you are sinking. Scream babe. Call up your husband, your mama, heck call your best friend’s neighbor’s nephew’s cousin if that means someone can hear you.
Get. Help. Now.
Post-partum depression is a fancy diagnosis for after-birth-hell. I was surrounded by pink blankets, nursery rhymes and 2:00 AM feedings. I felt like a nurse cow who was glued to a little alien who screamed all the time. I was drowning and could not get myself to the surface. I have since had two more babies, and I was actually able to enjoy my early time with them because I was prepared. I saw the blues coming before it could pull me under.
Get help ladies. We would fight like hell for our children, we should also fight like hell for ourselves.
Wow… real and raw post that will no doubt touch and help many others. Many hugs & love going out to you, Mama. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Such an incredible post. I have struggled with two of my postpartums and my depression was not deep or debilitating…but it wasn’t until after it cleared (when I quit breastfeeding!) that I realized how dark I truly had been feeling. I wish someone had said these words to me while I was IN it, instead of realizing afterwards what exactly I was in.
Comments are closed.