I hired a sitter. I curled my hair. I put on my heels and kissed my babies goodbye. Bound for an evening out on the town, my husband and I were set on clinking glasses in downtown Dayton on Third Street to celebrate our anniversary.
I woke up to the horrific news about the tragedy in our beloved town and woke my husband. Thankfully we got home by midnight, but immediately the ‘what if’ questions poured through my mind.
What if we passed him? What if he visited the same venues that we were? We missed him by two blocks and an hour in time. What if, what if, what if! But I had to stop. I had to box up every scary thought and toss it into the abyss because it didn’t happen to us, but it did happen to others.
Parenting After Tragedy
How do we parent after something this tragic occurs? How are we supposed to load our babies on busses to school, or parade them into sporting events or concerts with the constant threat of hate looming like an invisible cloud? It is something that is personal. Every person must decide how to live their lives, and as parents, we have to take all of the knowledge we are given and raise our children how we see fit.
I wish there was a playbook for how to deal with terrifying events like this, but there really isn’t. There are a million specialists and so many opinions, but as a mom and educator, I can share that what’s right for us is an open dialogue. We encourage the kids to ask questions, and we answer them appropriately. Think of it like shining the flashlight under the bed. The boogeyman is a lot less spooky when you examine everywhere their fears can fester.
“You may have heard some scary things on the news or radio about a shooting. I know that sounds scary, let’s talk about it.”
In education we use something called a KWL chart: What do we know? What do we want to know? What have we learned? I use this strategy with my own children. What do we know about the event? What do we want to know to make this less scary, how can we learn from this? And finally ‘what have we learned from our conversation’? I ask them to ‘echo’ our conversation. This helps me to understand their comprehension. It helps me see if they really understand what happened, if there’s something we need to discuss further, and if I have I dispelled any uncertainty.
Our conversation was tough, but good. Their thoughts and questions bounced off of each other, which led to even more questions and comments. It really surprises me how much they internalize and understand, and how deep their questions were: ‘Why would someone do that? Who helped after it happened? What should we do if something like that happens?’
Mom Tip: Let them lead. We often feel pressure to answer questions our kids didn’t ask, and sometimes – in our own emotions – we can overshare. Follow their cues. If they are overwhelmed or changing the subject, give them some space. Reassure them and come back to it later – or wait for them to come to you.
What We Teach Our Kids
Hatred is not a scary monster. It is deeply seeded irrational feelings that someone cannot process. Sometimes people process it, some internalize it, and other times they take it out on strangers because they want others to hurt like they do. It is our job to teach our children how to process strong feelings like anger, frustration and sadness so that they are prepared to handle them as they grow.
Talk about hard things (and hard feelings). Sharing basic age-appropriate details about tragedy and giving kids space to ask questions if critical to them developing coping skills as adults.
Look for the helpers. We need to teach our children that no matter how many times we see scary things happen, we should remember that there are good people helping to stop it, and helping pick up the pieces.
Lead by example. Above all, we should lead by example not to live in fear. We cannot let the hate win. Even (and especially) in the face of tragedy, we need to teach our children to be the good, and show kindness to others.
Today was different. I was different. I cherished my babies a bit longer, and hugged loved ones a bit tighter. I reached out to those affected and had people reach out to me. My husband and I celebrated our anniversary with our children beside us knowing the gift of another day. And remember, you don’t have to have all the answers, mama. It’s okay to say “I don’t know” or “I need to think about that and we can talk more later” and “This is hard”. Showing kids that we struggle with these tragedies, that we have hard feelings, and that we’re actively working on our own thoughts and actions is one of the healthiest things we can do for them – and for ourselves.
Let us make the time to have discussions, and make the time to sincerely enjoy the present with our loved ones. Let us raise strong, wise, kind people and let us be those examples for our children.
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” MLK Jr.