It’s Apparent You’re a Parent…


It’s apparent you’re a parent…


…when you talk to your friends excitedly for an hour about the new grocery store that’s opening and you all compare it to the other grocery stores (Girl, that produce department is terrible! I hope the new one is better).

…if you know which of your non-nursing tops have the easiest access to your boobs so you could whip one out to breastfeed if necessary.

…if old ladies have either judged you for breastfeeding (“When are you going to stop doing that? Why are you doing that here?”) or for not breastfeeding (“You know, breast is best”).

…if you know how to install a car seat in 2 minutes flat. Or you know where all of the nearest certified car seat experts are.

…when all of your vacation planning turns into taking a year to plan for a Disney trip (that you don’t end up taking anyway because it’s too expensive).

…when you can’t remember the last time you had a date with your significant other without the kids being there.

…when sex becomes “that thing we used to do before we had kids.” Or “that thing we sneak off and do in 5 minutes while the kids are watching Elmo.”

…if you’ve been vomited on and/or a child has sneezed directly into your face. Sometimes at the same time, which doesn’t seem possible but hey, #childhood.

…if you love the Snot Sucker, even though before you had kids you thought you’d be way too grossed out to ever use it. Bonus points if you use it without the filter thing they give you because you get better suction that way. Best invention ever.

…if you have crumbs on the floor and things stuck on there that don’t come off even after you clean it.

…along the same lines as above, when the kids spill bubble solution on the floor, you are a little happy inside because it means your floor is “cleaned” and the ants in your house can have a bath.

…if you have a constant glazed-over look in your eyes and you haven’t slept in like 5 years.

…if at least one person in your house constantly has a cold (or an ongoing runny nose or a cough – sorry, COVID symptoms are sometimes just a way of life).

…if you say, “Stop licking that!” and “You can’t eat that!” at least 3 times per day concerning rocks and other non-food items.

…if your kid-less friends are like, “Seen any new movies lately?” and the last new movie you saw came out 10 years ago. Then they try to invite you out and 1) you can’t go because you have kids and 2) they ask which movies you haven’t seen and the answer is “All of them.”

…whenever someone (anywhere!) gets mad, now you sing, “When you feel so mad and you want to roar, take a deep breath,” before you can even control yourself enough to realize you’re singing it to your boss.

…if you know the meanings of all of the colors of baby poop (“Why is it green?! Call the pediatrician!”)

…if you went on approximately 30 daycare tours before finding the perfect fit. Or school tours or college visits or whatever your kids are doing. “Can I envision my child fingerpainting here? Is this the right ambiance for them to pick their nose?”

…if you got all of the weird daycare/school viruses that you thought adults couldn’t get but it turns out you were wrong (Talkin’ about you, Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. Lice isn’t fun as an adult, either). The kids get it and they’re fine but when you get it, it knocks you on your butt and you’re out of work for a week.

…if you have your favorite Kids Eat Free locations and know which places have the best kids’ meals (“Excuse me, we prefer Wendy’s kids meals over McDonald’s”).

…if you usually have 15 toys in your bed because hey, you’re sharing the bed with the kids.

…on a similar vein, you have woken up with a foot in your face more times than you can count.

…if you memorized (or at least Googled) all of the sleep regressions and then wondered why your baby never followed any of them. “Does that mean my baby is an alien?”

…if you currently have two dinosaurs in your purse.

…if the lunch you bring to work consists of mac n’ cheese, dino nugs, and/or pizza rolls. Usually, my mac n cheese has vegetables in it because my kids “won’t eat it because it has vegetables,” so I end up eating it the next day.

…if there’s no one on earth that you love more than your kids and you’d totally end up on Dateline NBC if someone ever tried to hurt them.

How do you know you’re a parent?