Making friends isn’t as easy as it once was. As a kid, all it seemed to take was a common interest in Lisa Frank school supplies and it was immediate BFF status. In high school, you were clumped into classes, or sports, or clubs that fostered semi-organic friendships. In college, it was almost impossible to avoid making friends since you lived in a closet-sized room with fourteen other students, had classes with people who are all seeking similar career goals, and you basically lived in a weird commune of 18-22-year-olds.
And then that’s it.
You get thrown from the nest with absolutely no training on how to flap those friend making feathers. I’ve seen countless people from all circles of life (but especially stay at home and work at home moms) posting on social media about the struggle to cultivate community and build genuine friendships. This USED to be me, too. But here are some things that have helped changed the game for me when it comes to making friends.
- Get out of the house.
This seems obvious, I know. But if you want to have real relationships with people you sometimes have to literally put yourself out there. While it seems totally weird, I promise some of the other moms at library story time are also looking to connect with other adults. And yes, the sweaty palms, sideways glances, and panic to try to think of a good “pick up line” may give you flashbacks to those college days we talked about, but I promise it’ll be ok. The worst thing that happens is someone thinks you’re a little weird and honestly, we all are, right?
- Ditch the small talk.
Small talk is awkward for everyone. We all know what the weather is like. Susan, while I’m sure your kids are all lovely, if I want to be your friend I’d much rather know about YOU than which child is potty-training and who knows the names of every dinosaur. Knowing where someone grew up, what their major in college was, or what they do for a living is fine. But you know, I’d much rather know what someone is passionate about, so that’s what I ask. Yeah, it catches some people off-guard, but I’ve never encountered someone who didn’t light up when they talk about what they love.
- Be authentic.
Authenticity breeds authenticity. It’s so easy and natural to try to put our best self forward. It seems obvious to maybe avoid telling people I have crippling anxiety. The idea of inviting someone when my house is in its natural disaster state is kind of terrifying. Honestly, I’m a mess. But 9 out of 10 times revealing something awkward or embarrassing is met with a, “me too!” It’s great to know that you can be 100% real with someone.
- Get involved.
The easiest way to find potential friendships is to seek out those with common interests. Join a community group at your church. Sign up for a local art class. Join a gym. Audition for a local theater production. Join a book club. And if there isn’t something you, create it! Now I know that it’s hard to find the time. But building relationships takes work and time.
- Be a friend.
If you want to have a friend, be a friend. Text someone you haven’t talked to in a while just to see how they’re doing. Ask that cool mom you’re friends with on Instagram if she wants to do a playdate. Take someone from church a meal. Think about what you can offer someone, how you can serve them, and do it. And not with the expectation that they’ll return the favor, but rather that they will feel loved. Loving others is the key to being a good friend, after all.
If you find yourself craving community and friendship, try out these tips and let us know how it goes. And if you’ve got a great “girl gang” or an amazing “tribe” (or whatever you want to call it,) let us know what worked to help build that community!
