An Insider’s Guide to Charitable Giving

Last year, Christmas was a challenge for our family. Not only were we juggling multiple schedules and lists of things to do on a budget, but we were also dealing with new and different family dynamics that we had never experienced before. Several months before Christmas, we had taken in our sweet 11-year-old foster daughter. Although we had made much headway in the transition, Christmas and the holidays derailed it all. Listen, holidays are hard for anyone who is not in their own space. Holidays are hard for anyone who is separated from their family for the first time. Holidays are hard for anyone who just wishes life was different, but has no power to change it. And now imagine all those feelings in the heart of an 11-year-old girl.

Let’s just say Christmas last year involved a lot of tears and a lot of feelings.

There were many people around us who began to notice that holidays are hard for children in foster care. And many people wanted to do what they could to make the holiday more enjoyable for our sweet girl who was dealing with it all. Through our foster agency, our church, and our community, our sweet girl received hundreds of dollars’ worth of presents. All of the things kept arriving at our door for her. Now, I know that you probably have a smile spread from ear to ear as you think how wonderful her holiday (and therefore ours) must have been.

But I need to tell you a little secret, from an insider’s perspective.

It didn’t help. It actually made it worse.

You see, no one could replace her Mom on the holiday. Not even all those gifts. On top of that, receiving so much charity was overwhelming to my husband and I. Should we let her open it when it comes, or on Christmas morning? But if we do that, we will all sit there and watch her open an endless amount of gifts, while the rest of us stick with our three family presents. Now that everyone has bought tons of stuff for her, what do we buy for her? And how do we make Christmas work when our foster daughter has hundreds of dollars’ worth of presents but our biological children received nothing extra- and our budget had still remained tight for them? They watched wide-eyed as gift after gift arrived for their foster sibling, and the emotions and tensions in the home rose higher and higher every day. Even our foster daughter reached a point where the presents she received just made her feel like she was a charity case and while she always wanted more, it created a lot of attitude of selfishness and fighting in our home. It’s safe to say we all breathed a sigh of relief when Christmas was over and we weren’t dealing with that anymore.

I saw similar scenarios a lot when I was growing up, too. My parents worked as missionaries overseas, and a significant amount of their work was aide to the local people. They worked to find sustainable options for the local peopl e- sustainable in the context of their culture, climate, and budget. Then around Christmastime, people overseas (#America) suddenly donated and cared. The people loved the gifts and were so pleased to receive them, but much of what they were learning to sustain themselves was suddenly derailed by these charitable gifts. 

This is not to say that giving is bad – on the contrary!

But, as you approach the holiday months (especially with your children), I wanted to offer some tips and tricks for charitable giving that will do more good than harm:

1. By all means, teach your child to give!!! The holidays are a wonderful time to give since that is a huge part of Christmas. It’s a great time to open up the conversations and start to show your children what giving could like. Don’t be afraid of getting giving “wrong”, as I mentioned above. Just start giving if you don’t already. But keep the following things in mind…
2. Do your research! Remember to research any charity that you are donating to or buying gifts for. Research things like what percentage actually gets into the hands of the needy as opposed to the CEO. Research how long it takes for the gifts to be processed. Try to find personal testimony of someone who has received from said charity and go from there. And don’t just read the information presented by that charity themselves – do some outside research and see what you can find!
3. Be as hands-on as possible. When we are teaching our child about giving, a check will most likely not sink in. They don’t see anything disappearing from their lives, so they have a hard time connecting the fact that they GAVE. But serving at a shelter or meeting the kids who need the food will make much more of an impact on them. Even just giving the charity a gift in cash will show the child an actual amount and start to teach them what giving away looks like. I also like to point out that there is so much need right around us. Instead of writing a check for Ronald McDonald house, you could head to your nearest one locally and find out what kind of help or monetary donations they need. Instead of picking a child off the angel tree, you could reach out to a foster family directly and ask what would helpful to them during this season. The more hands-on we get, the more our children will soak it up and learn!
4. Give until it hurts a little bit. We live in a culture where most of us could probably afford to give a little more. So often we give what we can, and that is a great place to be! However, I really encourage families to at least once go without something so that they can give a little more. Perhaps go with one less present, or give up stockings, or give up that holiday trip to the lights show – and give away what you would have spent. I’m not telling you to be a scrooge and take Christmas away from your children, but maybe just once sacrifice something and give it away instead.
5. Extend the holidays year-round. If you have chosen a place to donate to during the holidays, consider donating to them throughout the year as well. If you give a certain amount, perhaps consider splitting that into thirds and giving to that place three times in a year instead of just around the holidays! It will make it feel much more personal and important than just checking off that holiday giving. If you are a religious family, commit to praying for that particular ministry that you have donated to throughout the year. Follow up with them, commit to serving with them more than just around the holidays. 
6. Don’t make giving all about you. Yes, giving feels really good. It’s satisfying and heart-warming and it’s one of my favorite ways to have a pick-me-up day. Don’t just give to help yourself feel accomplished this holiday season. Give because there is a real person on the other side of your generosity. Give because you have done your research and you are working to train your children to care for others.

What other tips do you have for charitable holiday giving?