That’s it. I’m done. I’m done with “date nights”. Every year for the past five years, I’ve started the year declaring that this would be the year that my husband and I finally make that elusive date night happen. And every year, it’s the same. I spend MONTHS trying to find a babysitter, then finally get a date night scheduled. My husband and I look forward to it, and I spend the entire day preparing for the night- a meal and bedtime routine laid out for my kids, a trip to the bank to get cash. The babysitter comes and we rush out the door to a nice dinner a hopefully a fun activity. Usually, we argue about where to go and what to do. We count on our fingers how many hours and minutes we have and how much money we really have in the budget to spend. It’s always so lovely when we are out. We get home, and pay the babysitter and then jump right back into the world of parenting.
I’m not going to lie, “date night” is so nice.
But I’m quitting them this year.
Or at least, I’m quitting our culture’s perception of what date night is.
You see, date night for our family is incredibly stressful and expensive. I spend more energy the day of arranging for my child to be watched than I gain from going out with my husband. We end up paying more money for a babysitter than our entire meal + activity combined. Every time someone brings up “date night”, the first thing I feel is rising panic and guilt, and underneath that jealousy. My date nights don’t measure up to anyone else’s! I’m not meeting standards! And everywhere I turn, I hear the marriage advice that we need to make date night a priority because the success of our marriage depends entirely upon it.
Now don’t get me wrong…there are incredibly creative ways to make date night work for your family. Planning ahead, having family watch the kids, saving up to pay the babysitter and finding a trusted one that knows our kids, and doing free activities around town.
But, I for one, quit date night. I quit the cultural expectation that I need to go out and eat dinner and do an activity with my husband. I quit the expectation that my marriage will be in shambles if I don’t fit it into the box of date night. I quit the idea that if I don’t’ come up with creative ways to have a free date night, I’m failing in the marriage category. I quit the idea that my children are nothing but burdens and that my husband and I are incapable of having a relationship when they are in the vicinity.
Don’t worry, I’m not quitting my marriage. In fact, I’m excited to be even more intentional than ever before about time with my husband. Being intentional about my time with my husband is vital to my marriage. But this year I’m going to do things a little differently.
I’m going to be intentional about packing his lunches and writing him notes. I’m going to be intentional about praying with him every night before bed. I’m going to be intentional about family dinners and fun conversations while we are all sitting around the table. I’m going to be intentional about playing board games – some with the kids, and some without. I’m going to be intentional about putting down our phones and spending one on one time together after the kids go to bed. I’m going to be intentional about spending our evenings doing more than just watching TV and scrolling on our smartphones. I’m going to make the kids mac and cheese, then send them to bed early and eat steak with my husband by candlelight (yes, I guarantee someone will interrupt us). I’m going to worry less about what culture tells me is right for my marriage, and instead step up and be intentional about it even when the budget is tight and the kids are many and needy.
What about you? How are you intentional in your marriage? Do you find yourself racked with guilt over not having a “date night”? Join me in letting go of that cultural norm and instead focus on all those little moments and evenings and time that we can be intentional in our marriages without the cultural constructs of what is right and wrong.
While I love love LOVE getting out of the house with just my husband for a date night, we have 4 kids and a super busy schedule that just doesn’t allow this to be feasible on a regular basis. One thing we do often though are at-home date nights. Fancy dinner (or pizza! haha) and a movie, phones put away. Finding something creative to work on–a podcast was born out of time when we felt really disconnected, and has been a really fun way for us to hang out after the kids go to bed. We also try to stay in communication throughout the day, mostly through texting. Even a short little note or joke helps me feel connected to him when otherwise I might get caught up in all the “stuff” there is to do in a day.
Great post! Thanks for sharing!
We’ve kinda shifted to ‘at home date nights’ where we feed the kiddo dinner early and send him to bed. Then we have a more special, late dinner. Maybe light candles, play music, and talk without constant interruptions. Saves money too!
This is so great..I can relate to it all…the expense, the counting of the hours we are gone to pay the sitter etc. we’ve been trying to have more nights in at home and they are always just as fun!
Suzanne, you nailed it! We rarely do date nights either. Not because we don’t want to, but because childcare is a problem. We try to take advantage of grandparents when we can but honestly in the last year we maybe went out a handful of times on a “date”. We do try to be intentional – maybe set aside time for a movie once the kids go to bed… if they cooperate. lol Love this post!
This is really beautiful, great post. We do go on regular dates but I’m totally with you that those smaller gestures mean so much.
OMG YES! Preach, sister! I feel like our ‘date nights’ where we have a sitter are so… manufactured? Like, we end up eating super fast (unintentionally) and we barely speak (again, unintentionally) . So I LOVE it!! LOVE LOVE LOVE this!
our date nights are usually spent not knowing where to go or what to do and stalling until the sitter puts the kids to bed. I wish we were better at them. This might just be what I need to do too!
This is such a great perception! Is date night really worth the stress? It almost completely takes away from the whole point of “date night”. Really great read!
We have loads of date nights. We put the toddler to bed and curl up on the sofa to watch a movie together. It is something we both love.
The idea of date night is a good idea in theory, but it is so stressful in reality. You’re right. Arguing over where to eat, the cost, and babysitting issues just aren’t worth it. Kinda ruins the experience.
Comments are closed.