Another year has gone by, and this month my daughter would have been 4 years old. It feels like a lifetime since our family was changed by a miscarriage. It also feels like it happened yesterday.
“Can you imagine having a little sister who is 4?” I ask my kids.
“No!” they say.
Life would be so different if Olivia had lived. I am so curious about who my little preschooler would be.
Is she a blonde or a brunette? Would she like the swings or the slide? Would she prefer chocolate or vanilla? Did she inherit my love of reading or my husband’s ability in math? How would she have connected with her siblings?
We know that she is with us.
I’ve felt her hand on my back when I was sick in bed. My husband heard her giggles once in the middle of the night. We can’t explain these experiences, but we believe she is letting us know that she is OK, and still a part of our family. We have faith that she knows how much she is loved and missed.
In the past four years, we’ve found a cautious peace. Every year, we donate to a charity to ensure there is good in the world on her birthday. We all take turns making a wish on her behalf as we celebrate her with cupcakes. We reach out to other families to offer our support. I write to share her story, speak at support groups, and spread the word about my books. We try so hard – some days with tears and other days with a smile.
After our loss, we felt overwhelmed and hopeless, and we strive to support families who are grieving. Every day is new, and we are still finding our way. The new normal seems to constantly change. I know that with every step forward (or back) our daughter is with us, especially as we celebrate our birthday girl.
Special thank you to our guest writer, Marie Kriedman.
Marie started her journalism career as a copy editor and paginator for a newspaper. She eventually left the newspaper business and has continued as a freelance writer for more than 20 years. She founded Write Away K, and is the author of many children’s books. She published two books to honor her daughter, Saying Goodbye to Olivia and Olivia Had Trisomy 18. Marie and her husband are graciously permitted to live in a house with their cats. They are also parents to two children and one angel baby. Please visit BooksbyMarie.com to learn more.
