My third anniversary of leaving my abusive husband is coming up in a few days. Now I consider it my “Freedom Anniversary” or my Independence Day. I remember when I first came back home to my parents and siblings three years ago; my sister cried saying this was the day that everyone got me back, alive and safe, and we would always celebrate as a family.
She thanked God that I made a choice that most women never make.
Having had children with this man, things have never been rosy during this “freedom” time – a prolonged, traumatic court battle that has drained my already extremely meager finances upon leaving the marital home makes it hard to feel “free” some days, instead stuck in a mire of bad memories and worries about how to be the best parent for my kids and provide for them. As he saw me stretching my wings, it triggered all the controlling behavior and escalated it to an 11. However, as you can tell, my family always stepped up whenever my ex tried to dig his claws in. I am now impervious to his abuse because I choose to ignore his ridiculous attempts at controlling me.
These years of therapy have completely changed my brain, teaching me to feel all of those terrible feelings as much as I need to and then to try something entirely new to develop new neural networks and ways of thinking. I learned how to feel and identify my feelings because previously I wasn’t “allowed” to have feelings because they made him “too uncomfortable.” No more compartmentalizing now (at least, I am growing into a person who doesn’t do that anymore).
My abuser focused on the negative. I try looking at the positive, especially with my kids.
“What is one thing you are thankful for today?” “What is one thing you want to try differently tomorrow?” “What is one way you learned and grew today?” One day, we all caught the flu from daycare and we all agreed it was our favorite thing because we had so much fun, cooped up in the house for weeks and snuggling together. These are the things I teach my children, along with how they are worthy, cherished, and only deserve to be around people who understand these things as the truth about them.
Even though I experienced extreme emotional pain upon leaving him and coming out of the fog I had developed to cope with the abuse, I recognize I am now living an authentic life. Most people don’t get that opportunity. Many believe their situation is “good enough” or “better than being alone.” Most people think it’s fine to be abused or snuffed out emotionally if they get to live a comfortable life. I know I will never accept that again, ever.
I have dealt with other similar abusive people in this time of freedom and, though, it was scary, difficult, and extremely costly at times (emotionally and monetarily), I put my foot down and learned to say, “No.” I already have had to say “no” to a job and a boyfriend. The old me would have just continued on, thinking, “This is fine.” No. I will grow where I am planted or else I will plant myself somewhere else. Being alone is a beautiful place where you can sit and not have to impress or please anyone else.
I am choosing to grow in relationships with others and become a mother and adult person that I previously lacked the capacity to even envision. Instead of a half-dead withered vine, I am now a blossom blooming into something with limitless possibilities that I could never have believed about myself before. She is freedom. She is integrity. She is alive.
